five

Sorry, I almost went to bed without doing one of these. It's been a real angsty day (oh no! she used the word angsty, get out now!) no, I just mean there has been much much exhausting anguish for very little reason. Which has always been a cornerstone of my birthday season. I was the kid who got stressed out over everything, from what color plates would the birthday cake be served on to what to do if I got two of the same toy. I actually remember that for several years, I would cry every year on my birthday. About little things, stupid things, but I just remember the ascent to a new age being such a terribly difficult thing for me that any little thing would cause me to crack. On my 5th birthday it was the balloons. My dad went to tie some balloons onto the mailbox so that people coming for the party would know they were at the right house (these weren't huge soirees, everyone coming knew our house, it is just a thing you do for kids' birthdays) and he let them go. I was sure he had done it intentionally, he didn't like tying, untying and disposing of the balloons. And I couldn't imagine what those balloons could do now, they were in an abyss of blue, they had no one. So I cried for the balloons, and everyone tried to point out that there were more balloons. No one understands that kids don't cry because they have no balloon, but because that balloon is lost in the universe, that balloon could be you.

Darn, that was angsty.